Christmas has come and gone already. It was quite different this year. I woke up at like 6 am on Christmas Eve, you know me and Christmas lol. I wanted so badly to call you, like I always used to. So, I cried a little, then did the next best thing, I put on your Christmas music and took some time for myself, and of course, cried some more. My heart aches when I think about you missing all this fun, but my heart also rejoices in knowing that you are in all of our hearts, and you’re having the most glorious Christmas up there in heaven.
We went to Grandpa and Grandma’s this year instead of your house, I think that made it a little easier on all of us. Aunt J lives with Gma & Gpa now, I’m sure she’s told you. I’ve seen Gma at least once a month since she moved in, so that’s been nice. We went Christmas shopping together, the 3 of us, and oh my gosh Mom, the mall has changed so much! The pretzel place is gone, but a new one is coming soon. Aunt J said they’d be at my house at 10, they showed up EARLY and I wasn’t ready!! I told them it was your fault, I’m so used to you saying you’d be here at 10 and then calling me at 10:15 to say you’d just gotten on the freeway haha. I gave them your Christmas tapestry throws to put on the couch to help decorate. Dad and Aunt J went up to Cedar Lodge and cut down a beautiful tree for Gma’s house. I’m sure you heard all about that too. Of course Gma had her candles and birds on the tree, but she skipped the angel hair this year! You would have loved it.
Uncle M & Aunt D were here of course. It’s so wonderful to spend time with them. I feel like we bonded a lot with them this summer while you were sick. I really feel like we know each other now. Perry and Aunt D are just adorable when you get them together, we had a lot of good laughs. They got us the cutest pair of double sided fleece pillow cases, one side is GB, one side SF! They are soo comfy and the kitty cats sure love how warm they are. Uncle M & Aunt D are always just so thoughtful and generous. I know you know how great your family is, but I just thought I’d let you know that they’re for real. Nobody has changed since you left. I almost feel like they’re loving me more since you left, if that makes any sense.
I think my favorite part of Christmas Eve this year was that Brian came home. We didn’t get to see T and the baby, but Brian stayed with Dad for a couple days and I think they had a good time. He said my sugar cookies were really good. Everyone said they were just like yours! I was so stinkin proud of myself for actually pulling it off! I even cut the butter all by myself! Thanks for organizing your recipes in those binders, it makes my life soo easy! I know you did it for yourself but…
Since Brian doesn’t have Facebook, he hadn’t seen my tattoo yet. So I showed him, and everyone else. They loved it. That was when the tears started flowing. I knew it was bound to come out, since it was Christmas and our first time really being with him since July. He hugged me and we both cried, and it actually kinda helped.
I thought about you so much all week long, especially while I was baking your treats. I even made rocky road dream bars! I messed up the first batch, but the second batch was perfect! Perry’s parents let me use their kitchen all week, and he helped me decorate the sugar cookies. They also got me this beautiful pendant urn, so I can always keep a little bit of you with me. Isn’t it perfect? My Guardian Angel Jenny Rose…
Oh Mommy… I have been so incredibly blessed by so many wonderful people since you went away. You sure picked some pretty amazing people to call friends. They’re really good at checking in on Dad and me.
I mostly wanted to tell you how Christmas went without you, but I also wanted to say thank you. Thank you for always being there for us kids. For giving us such AMAZING Christmas memories and traditions to carry on with our own families. For instilling in me a deep love of Christmas, not just the lights and the music and the nativity and the presents and, but the whole thing. Christmas with you will forever be one of my fondest memories. Christmas without you will get easier as the years go on, at least I hope it will. I’m not gonna lie, this year was rough. I don’t think I’ve ever been this openly emotional. But the memories of you, and your smile that could light up a room, and your laughter, I can still hear it… They make me smile and laugh, and it makes my heart happy. I know if you were actually reading this, you would cry and say, “oh Potatie…” followed by some motherly words of wisdom… This letter isn’t really for you though, it’s for me. You always like to read my thoughts, and I’ve noticed that it really does help with the grieving process. I’m not a great writer. I write like I tell stories, jumping all over the place and taking forever to get to the point, but it comes out on paper like it would if I were telling a story. I find it easier to just write it, that way there’s no need for conversation, and I don’t get caught crying while trying to talk.
So, on that note, Merry Christmas Momma. The New Year is almost here. We survived our first holiday season without your beautiful face, though we know you are here in spirit. I love you Moo. ❤❤