It’s been 6 months today since we said goodbye to Mom. The holidays have come and gone, and guess what? I’m still here! I made it. I handled it. Gracefully? That depends on who you ask, but still, I did it.
Yes, I still cry myself to sleep some nights. Some days I just start crying for no reason it seems. And then there are days where I cry out of thankfulness. I know that sounds weird, so let me explain.
I know someone whose mother suddenly went into the hospital, and then this young woman was tasked with “pulling the plug” a week later. My heart shattered for her, but at the same time, mine healed a little. I know the pain she feels, but I can’t imagine having had to make that decision, nor can I begin to understand how it must have felt to deal with that in a hospital room. I am blessed to have been able to hold my mommy’s hand as she took her last breaths. She slipped away so peacefully, in the comfort of her own home, no machines, wires or plugs. I’ve had some awful flashbacks in the last week, of those last 24 hours, but if I think about it long enough and from a different perspective, my experience was actually quite beautiful.
I have found so much strength in the tiny little smiles that come from the smallest little memory of Mom. The little grins spread across my face much faster than the tears flow, though sometimes the tears do make me feel a bit better.
I’ve found a couple other blogs that I really enjoy reading, written by people who have been through situations similar to mine. We seem to help each other by letting the other know that they are not alone, and that we know exactly how they feel. That common thread is a remarkable thing. It’s funny how life works. Some of my friends (they’re all amazing) but some of their efforts have just been astounding since Momma left. Isn’t it crazy the way some relationships flourish during the darkest times in your life?
Soo, 6 months. Seems long, seems short, I don’t really know, it’s kind of a blur. I’ve kept really busy between my day job and my dream job. Some days she’s easy to think and talk about, others not so much.
I definitely feel like two different versions of myself most of the time lately. Someday I’ll figure out how to blend the two. For now, I’ll just keep pressing on, I’ve got too many big exciting plans for 2017 to lose myself between the two, or to let myself drown in a pool of sorrow.